un-sober me [square one]
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beautimusprime
Members Posts: 1
wassup guys..its been awhile but thajuiciest is back in action..didja miss me or what?? [anyone that still remembers me..lol] but this is something i literally just wrote..about my tough road of fighting addiction..its the first joint i've wrote in a longgg long time..shaking the dust off..as always, feedbacks appreciated 
3 days sober and i cant take it
not feeling the fakeness
being illeviated
still feeling the pain
without the reward
feeling all the scars
of a woman scorned
still chain smoking..with no goal
still a no show
still having people wonder
"where did jay go?"
still trying to find my way
with no motivation
im not seeing the sunlight that was promised
of living a wonderfully honest
life
no signs of "30 days sober and never feeling better!!"
still fighting my demons
the monkeys not gone
the shakes and puking
crying and violence
man...
sober life is not for me
maybe i just need to accept
that this is what was meant for me
my destiny
to be a beauty queen
without the pageantry
perfection as the exterior
an itching addict to the core
i cant take it..
trying to figure out how people
could go through this life unmedicated
unsober me..is what i wanna be
but thats not accepted
praised for admitting what i am
shunned for admitting what i am..
i cant take it..
for gods sake
can i just get one oxy!!!
but me knows that "one is too much
and 1,000 is never enough.."
NA meetings have my addict shaking
baking from the inside out
withdrawals..no doubt will ? me
pitied by the one
who made me what i am
as i shake on my bed..
they look down and shake their heads
whispering.."why cant she just quit??
really..how hard is it??"
but my inner demon is screaming
and latching onto my neck
he's winning this battle
and i'm not even mad
manipulating myself to get back what i had
an hour of happiness
then 10 of misery
an equal trade, it couldnt be..
forever focused on what i couldnt be
the drugs have won and with my head in the clouds, im walking right back to square one.
3 days sober and i cant take it
not feeling the fakeness
being illeviated
still feeling the pain
without the reward
feeling all the scars
of a woman scorned
still chain smoking..with no goal
still a no show
still having people wonder
"where did jay go?"
still trying to find my way
with no motivation
im not seeing the sunlight that was promised
of living a wonderfully honest
life
no signs of "30 days sober and never feeling better!!"
still fighting my demons
the monkeys not gone
the shakes and puking
crying and violence
man...
sober life is not for me
maybe i just need to accept
that this is what was meant for me
my destiny
to be a beauty queen
without the pageantry
perfection as the exterior
an itching addict to the core
i cant take it..
trying to figure out how people
could go through this life unmedicated
unsober me..is what i wanna be
but thats not accepted
praised for admitting what i am
shunned for admitting what i am..
i cant take it..
for gods sake
can i just get one oxy!!!
but me knows that "one is too much
and 1,000 is never enough.."
NA meetings have my addict shaking
baking from the inside out
withdrawals..no doubt will ? me
pitied by the one
who made me what i am
as i shake on my bed..
they look down and shake their heads
whispering.."why cant she just quit??
really..how hard is it??"
but my inner demon is screaming
and latching onto my neck
he's winning this battle
and i'm not even mad
manipulating myself to get back what i had
an hour of happiness
then 10 of misery
an equal trade, it couldnt be..
forever focused on what i couldnt be
the drugs have won and with my head in the clouds, im walking right back to square one.
Comments
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This poem hit home.. Like it gave me lots of memories of people I knew who just couldn't cease and eventually they ended up in 2 places..
Keep on keeping, and keep fighting off the demons.. It's light at the end of the tunnel
Jah bless
Peace.
