15 Insane Theories About Movies And Television That Will Blow Your Mind

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  • Will Munny
    Will Munny Members Posts: 30,199 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    The Bond and Forrest Gump one have actually crossed my mind. Jenny was such a ? I wouldn't put that ? past her.
  • silverfoxx
    silverfoxx Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    Yooooo me and my sister BEEN said that about the magic school bus and captain planet lol. We actually grew up thinking that it was already a proven fact that they are the same people lol.
  • silverfoxx
    silverfoxx Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    The Rugrats and Will theory was a creepy mindfuck. This thread is awesome by the way. T/S should post more theories!!
  • atribecalledgabi
    atribecalledgabi Members, Moderators Posts: 14,063 Regulator
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    maaaaaaan no

    lol

    none of that ? makes any sense.

    except the forrest gump paternity one but i thought that was common knowledge since jenny needed a dad for little forest cuz she was probly gonna die of AIDS in the next few years & forest was the only reliable dude in her life...plus he's half ? & loved jenny like crazy so it woulda been easy to say it was his kid without him questioning anything.
  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    silverfoxx wrote: »
    The Rugrats and Will theory was a creepy mindfuck. This thread is awesome by the way. T/S should post more theories!!

    Got you

    As for "All Grown Up" Angelica was a bipolar schizophrenic who, as a teenager became addicted to various Narcotics, bringing her back to her childhood and thus her creations she obsessed over, because of time lapse between the present and the last time she interacted with her creations, she made them older, Angelica was constantally taking hits of acid, so she would never have to live without her creations who were her only company, in a judgemental world

    Angelica's mom actually died of a heroine overdose, Angelica was schizophrenic/bipolar because she was a ? baby, additionaly Drew in his depression married a gold digging ? , that Angelica idolized because she fooled herself into thinking it was her real mom, but always had a concept of her mom, Cynthia, and took a barbie doll, and made it after her mom's image, wearing an unwashed oranged dress, and having jacked up hair, which is why she was so attached to it, later in life she followed in her mom footsteps w/ drugs and everything, dieing of overdose at age 13 when All Grown Up! was "canceled"

    The only rugrat not to be fictional however, was unborn Tommy's brother Dil, however Angelica didnt know the differace between Dil and her creations, Dil didnt follow her commands, after endless crying and a refusal to disapear like the others did when angelica was angry with them, she hit him. And she hit him, screaming a screaching tune, Stu ran in and pulled his neice off of his only child, but it was too late, he had a brain hemerage, which resulted in a deformation, as he grew up his damage only became more evident, by the time he was 9 in All Grown Up! He lived as an outcast, being ridiculed for his weirdness, and retardation, the immense guilt over this is what led to her drug use and is what led Angelica to un-create the rugrats breifly, until her expericance w/ hallucinogenics.

    On a trip to Paris to find love, Chaz married a ? named Kira (He was actually going to marry a differant ? , but she just wanted him for his money), who had a daughter named Kimi that was torn from her because she was a ? addict (Angelica imagined her from Kira's stories), he lost his mind after the death of his wife and was in denial that she was ever prostitue, upon return to America, Chaz and Kira married and she got her greencard, it was actually a really happy/romantic story, Kira continually stuggled with addiction, but was relatively happy w/ her life, and Chaz

    Suzie was actually Angelica's only friend, who entertained the thought of Angelica's creations, for her, She later became a phycologist and teamed up w/ Nickelodeon to make the Rugrats! When Angelica died of drug overdose, she helped arrange her funeral, Angelica's death was sad, because of her addiction, she was expelled from society, which lead to a break with reality, and her eventual death, she spent the last days of her life in the back of the school cafeteria, imagining friends around her, and playing with the lives of her creations.
  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    Hey Arnold Theory
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    About every '90s kid knows the Nickelodeon series,"Hey Arnold". The show about a small boy with an odd shaped head. That's about the first thing you notice, the oddly shaped heads the characters have. We'll get back to that later on.
    I want to tell you one thing first. The show isn't fiction. It has all happened. That's why there are a lot of life lessons in it.

    Arnold is a boy who lives in a ' fictional ' city. The city actually is New York. The poor area of New York, it's clearly visible that Arnold lives in a ghetto. He's just a poor orphan living in with his grandparents Gertie and Phil. Well, he BELIEVES he's an orphan. He actually is the child of the people he believes to be his grandparents. The grandparents are mentally unstable and told Arnold that his real parents, of normal age, died in a plane crash. That's not true at all.

    Because Gertie and Phil were old when they ' made ' Arnold, he was born with a few conditions. One of them is hydrocephalus. That the reason his head has such an odd shape. There's one type of hydrocephalus, the one Arnold suffers from, that's called the Arnold Chiari syndrome. That's the reason why the creators decided to call the boy Arnold.

    Gertie and Phil themselves are mentally unstable. This is because of their age. This is also the reason why Phil sexually abused Arnold. Phil says to Arnold that it's totally normal that a grandparent does this kind of stuff to their grandchildren.

    Arnold is being bullied for his oddly shaped head. This is where another condition Arnold has comes in. Because of Gertie's and Phil's old age, Arnold suffers from several psychological conditions. This makes him see things that aren't there. Because he's bullied a lot, he escapes to an imaginary world, with imaginary friends. That's the reason the other characters have weird shaped heads too. It makes him feel like he's normal, and no one can pick on him because of his head. This also is the reason why Arnold believes that his parents are his grandparents, and that his real parents died in a plane crash. His condition makes him believe that it is reality.

    But the reality behind the series is way worse. It is reality. It tells the story about a poor boy living in New York. It's all based on facts. When the creator got lost in New York he accidentally got in to the poor area. It was really late, so he decided to stay at a hotel. Then he came across a 9-year old boy, the child of two people who were clearly too old to have children. He saw that the boy was mentally unstable, and he believed in all the things he made up. The creator decided to talk to the boy. He felt really sorry for the boy when he discovered the boy only had imaginary friends and would die if he didn't get medical care quickly. He felt like he needed to do something. So he asked the boy if he could tell his story, and then he'd make sure that the boy's life would become better.

    But he didn't. He just used the sad story for a TV programme. He just took advantage of it. All the misery was so successful as a children's' programme. He became rich and didn't care about the poor boy suffering.

    He did not tell anyone about the way he came up with the idea for the series. He knew that if the truth would come out, it would all be done for him. No one would support a programme created by someone who became rich over the misery of someone else. The secret was well kept for so many years. But when it all came out to one of the important people from the nickelodeon found out, the show immediately got canceled.

    So, now you know it all. Where the idea came from, what it really is about and why it ended. The boy probably is dead by now, we can't help him anymore. But please, make sure no one takes advantage of someone else's misery ever again. We can help all those poor kids in ghettos, but not by making a programme about them.

  • ocelot
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    Garfield Is A Lie
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    Garfield is delusional from the murder of his friend. The entire strip is a lie, created by Jim Davis to mask the guilt of the friend he murdered in cold blood. For years, Davis has been slowly losing his grip on reality and putting his existential crisis into the daily funnies. And people buy into this lie, day after day after day.
    Let me explain.
    Added by Furbearingbrick

    Ever since the 80's, Garfield has been living a lie. It all began when Lyman, a character who was in the strip since launch, mysteriously disappeared from the series. Following his disappearance, the strip began to devolve more and more into unrealism. The titular cat began to walk on two legs, act more human-like, and interact with Jon in a more casual fashion. This was a large departure from the cliche, harmless cat humor seen in earlier strips. This all culminated in a strip in the late 80's, in which Garfield wakes up to an alternate reality. Jon is gone, Odie is probably dead, and the house he lives in is abandoned. He slowly begins to starve, lost in a time that he no longer knows. In order to escape, Garfield uses the power of denial to summon back his old pals. He creates a comforting illusion, where he continues to dwell to this day.

    Jim Davis is Garfield. In the early 80's, a friend whom he lost contact with for a few years decided to visit for one night, back in town from a trip. But what was supposed to be a few beers with a buddy turned into cold-blooded murder. Jim became downright murderous when his friend reminded him of childhood memories that were best left forgotten. Memories of abuse, memories of violence... it was too much for Davis. He broke down, fueled by alcohol, and began to repeatedly bash in the skull of his friend with a beer bottle. He did so until it was nothing but a ? pulp, a mush of brains and pus. His friend's dog began to bark and yelp at Jim, and so he silenced him by throwing the dog against the wall and kicking it into submission. The dog lived, but was traumatized and happily stupid after the accident. All the while, Davis' cat watched in apathy, staring at the whole incident, unaffected. Because he was the only one Davis cared about that was left, he began to treat his cat as a person. Talking to him, letting him eat at the table... he became insane.

    In 1989, a breaking point was reached. His cat died, and Davis was all alone. His dead friend's dog had run off and since found a loving home with a three-person family a few counties down, where he lived out the rest of his days. Being alone, Davis crafted the demented "Alone" Garfield strips. He demonstrated his ability to conjure an illusion, a lie to live because the truth was too ugly. To this day, Davis lives this lie in his own head. In truth, these were the last strips Davis created as a free man, because he was soon found out for the murder. From an institution, he writes the strips, giving out the occasional interview that is uncharacteristically happy.

    To him, his friend simply left. His cat is alive, and the dog is playfully causing mischief.

    Jim Davis is lost in his own head, living a lie until the day he draws his last breath. Spread this story. The people must know.
  • silverfoxx
    silverfoxx Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    Wow@ the Hey Arnold theory, if that's true, then that make me question alot of things.

    I know they have to have a theory for Ahh Real Monsters.
  • silverfoxx
    silverfoxx Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    Ate what website is this coming from? Ima favorite that site lol
  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited August 2012
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    silverfoxx wrote: »
    Ate what website is this coming from? Ima favorite that site lol

    most of the theories i got were from google... if you google the rugrats theory the first link will have the most...
  • silverfoxx
    silverfoxx Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 11,704 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    I hope there is a Arthur theory. I always thought some subliminal ? was up with that show.
  • P. Town
    P. Town Members Posts: 27,306 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    Somebody gotta find a theory on Doug Funnie though
  • ocelot
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    #5.Harry Potter Isn't the Chosen One; His Inept Classmate Is
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    In the world of Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom is the resident ? . He's not really good at magic, he constantly forgets stuff -- even Rowling hates him, as evidenced by the fact that she included a synonym for "ass" in his name. Neville only seems to be there so that readers who aren't smart, capable or attractive will have someone to identify with.

    However, just like that shy kid from your school who went on to become a porn actor, later books seem to hint that there might be something more to Neville than meets the eye ...

    The Awesome Fan Theory:

    Basically, that Harry Potter dude was just a distraction. The "chosen one" was Neville all along.

    See, the plot of all seven books revolves around the idea that Harry's life fulfills this prophecy:

    "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord [Voldemort] approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... ".

    The thing is, all that stuff applies to Neville, too. His parents had thrice defied Voldemort, and he was born on July 30, one day before Harry. So what power does Neville know that Voldemort doesn't? According to the theory, that could be either "the power of love" (as in Harry's case) or "herbology."

    The "Voldemort will mark him as his equal" part was a little trickier, but then again it wasn't clear how it related to Harry, either. Neville had a messed up relationship with his parents, mainly due to the fact that Voldemort had them tortured into insanity. Voldemort had some serious mommy issues, too, so in that sense Voldemort made him his equal.

    But the best part of the theory, the part that makes it all come together, is the idea that Dumbledore, the principal of Wizard High, was intentionally allowing Voldemort to think Harry was the chosen one just to protect Neville. While we're not saying they should have just ditched Harry in the last book and turned the other kid into the protagonist, it would have been pretty cool to have Harry find out he wasn't the center of the universe after all, if only because it would have made the character slightly less insufferable.

    The later books do flirt with the idea, however briefly. And it would have fit right in with Rowling's habit of pillaging the first three books to turn all the one-off magic items and half-serious gags into game-changing MacGuffins.

    What We Got Instead:

    Potter fans of the world were treated to a stunning twist ending in which (spoiler!) Harry kills Voldemort, and then a bunch of random stuff happens because ... you know ... wizards. But even before the last book came out, Rowling actually went on the record specifically shooting the fan theory down, perhaps realizing the ending she had already written wasn't as awesome as the one fans imagined and trying to keep them from getting their hopes up.



  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    #4.The Matrix: Neo is a Machine
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    You probably remember the end of the first Matrix movie, in which Keanu Reeves learns that he can change reality with his mind because he's actually living in a giant computer simulation. Later, in The Matrix Reloaded, he kills several sentinel robots with his new mental ? -powers --- but he's not inside the Matrix anymore. He's in the real world.

    So what gives? Also at the end of Matrix Reloaded, one of the evil computer programs makes its way into the real world by "possessing" the body of a human, which ... doesn't make a lot of sense, when you think about it. What's going on?

    The Awesome Fan Theory:

    We've previously told you about a popular interpretation which holds that the "real" world of Zion is still part of the Matrix; Keanu had just moved up to another level of simulation, like in Inception. But before the third movie was released, when Matrix fans were still in the denial stage of sequel grief, there was another, more elaborate theory: Zion is a Matrix-like simulation, but one made by humans for the purpose of creating better machines.

    In this scenario, Neo and his "enlightened" fellow humans were actually machines all along, and the baffling, recursive fight scenes they experienced in Matrix Reloaded were software implanted by the humans designed to teach them to understand human pain.


    "I understand now ... it sucks ass!"

    These dreaming machines would presumably be discouraged from ever declaring war and killing humans in the real world, and everyone would finally be free of the conflict that has plagued futuristic mankind since they decided that a personality was an important thing to have in their coffee machines.

    The reason we like this theory is that it would have been a clever play on the old "machines revolt " trope -- instead of humans letting robots take over the world again (apparently nobody in this universe paid any attention to the Terminator movies), the fact that they actually took steps to prevent that sort of ? from happening would have turned the cliche on its head and provided a Matrix-like twist ending for the trilogy.


    In addition to giving an in-story excuse for Keanu's acting.

    What We Got Instead:

    As anyone who watched The Matrix Revolutions knows, the official explanation was that Neo had powers in the real world because ? you, dear viewer, that's why. At one point someone says something about Neo's powers coming from "The Source," without actually bothering to explain what "The Source" is, which is probably the result of the Wachowskis saying "Don't worry, we'll figure something out in the next movie" while forgetting that this was the final film.


  • ocelot
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    #3.Twilight's Bella Is Part Werewolf
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    Toward the end of the Twilight series, several pressing questions remain in the mind of the reader, the foremost being, "How can I introduce a constitutional amendment to stop the phrase 'sculpted, incandescent chest' from ever being used again?" But there are others: Why can't Edward, a vampire mind-reader, read the thoughts of Bella, a regular human girl? Also, how on earth is Bella pregnant with his half-vampire baby, when vampires can't father children?


    What time of the day was this picture taken, and why isn't he engulfed in flames?

    The fact that Bella's baby is mysteriously invisible to any kind of scan and even another vampire's precognitive powers (apparently, in Twilight vampires are basically like the X-Men) seems to suggest that something is definitely up with that particular fetus. What could the author possibly be hinting at with all these clues? What amazing plot twist could possibly justify all this drivel?


    Bella is revealed to be a T-1000?

    The Awesome Fan Theory:

    Simple: Bella, the completely uninteresting teenage protagonist, is actually part werewolf. You thought you were reading about a boring, cliched emo girl stereotype, but that's exactly what the author wanted you to think.

    The Twilight books tell us repeatedly that vampire powers go haywire when it comes to their ancient enemies, the werewolves. If Bella possessed a weird combination of human and werewolf DNA, it would explain why Edward couldn't read her mind, why the vampires couldn't see her baby's future and possibly how the hell she got pregnant in the first place.

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    Everyone knows a werewolf ? is more resistant than a regular one.

    Think about it: That whole "vampire powers go crazy" stuff could easily include making their sperm count go up while inside a werewolf -- sure, why not? They just never found out about it because vampires and werewolves hate each other so much. This could also explain why Jacob, the most eligible werewolf bachelor, has the hots for dull Bella: it's just genetics. Also, Jacob didn't find out he had werewolf blood until the second book, so there's a precedent for this stuff.


    Awful tattoos are an early warning sign of lycanthropy.

    More importantly, making Bella and Jacob long-lost first cousins would have utilized the time-tested Star Wars ? Love Triangle Escape Clause. Finally, Bella's human/werewolf/vampire hybrid baby could have ended the vampire vs. werewolf conflict by linking them to a common bloodline, like a significantly more sparkly version of a medieval dynastic marriage.

    What We Got Instead:

    We sure did get an explanation for Bella's special powers: She is an incredibly unique and beautiful snowflake, and everybody loves her. Seriously -- that's it. It turned out that the vampires couldn't see the baby's future because the fetus was "wrapped in something."

    Getty
    "There it is. Miss, your son is covered in ? plot twists."

    As for the mysterious impregnation, the author fixed that plot hole by having some guy walk in and tell everyone that male vampires can in fact impregnate human females, but that it happens so rarely that everyone sort of forgot about it. Apparently, vampires throughout history have been very strict about always using contraceptives and never, ever ? people.


    Seriously, why is he not on fire now?

    Oh, and the Jacob/Bella/Edward triangle is "solved" when Jacob falls deeply in love with Bella's recently born baby ... but the less said about that the better.



  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    #2.Battlestar Galactica's Cylons Are Robot Syphilis

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    In the 2004 version of Battlestar Galactica, the nearly obliterated human race is fighting the cylons, a race of artificial life forms that were once robots but who have become physically identical to humans. In fact they're so identical to humans that near the end of the show, four regular characters realized that they were cylons all along and never even knew it.


    This is why you should always watch your lover's spine during intercourse.

    It sounds like a pretty cool twist, except for the fact that it didn't really make a lot of sense: One of these characters had lived among humans for decades before the human-cylon war even started, for example. Another had fathered a perfectly normal child with his human wife, even though cylon/human babies were supposed to be a huge deal.


    And yet no one gave a ? about that kid.

    Given that it clearly made no sense that these characters were cylons from the beginning and that the series went on a yearlong hiatus immediately after dropping that bomb, the fans were left with nothing to do but comb through earlier episodes in search of an explanation. And they actually found one ...

    The Awesome Fan Theory:

    Cylons have a sexually transmitted disease.


    Above: chrome space gonorrhea.

    According to this theory, cylonism is a virus, and the method of transmission is sex. It actually makes perfect sense when you look at the series. During the course of the show, all four characters had either slept with cylons or slept with people who'd enjoyed some cylon lovin' themselves.


    There's not a whole lot to do in space.

    Basically, every single one of these characters can be traced back to a cylon ... through ? : Chief Tyrol's ex turned out to be a cylon sleeper agent; Colonel Tigh's wife slept with a male cylon (and was later revealed to be a cyclon herself); Tory slept with Baltar, a man with a robot fetish so extreme he'd allowed a sexy cylon spy to destroy his home planet; and Anders was married to Starbuck, who also slept with Baltar and possibly with a cylon, too.

    The show could have added an important message to its plot twist: when you're fighting a war against murderous machines who walk among you as humans, always use protection.


    Or, you know, try not to sleep around so much, sexy people.

    What We Got Instead:

    As we've mentioned before, the complex storyline of Battlestar Galactica was completely made up on the fly... which is probably why the final episodes ended up giving us a series of half-assed explanations that made way less sense than the robo-syphilis theory.

    Turns out the four human cylons were actually ancient immortal beings also called cylons who, through a series of implausible plot twists and coincidences, ended up marooned on Earth with false memories. Oh, and remember Chief Tyrol's half-cylon baby? He wasn't really his son, because his wife cheated on him with some guy and -- ? , what is it with these people?



  • ocelot
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    #1.Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi is OB-1, Clone Warrior
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    One of the most intriguing aspects of the original Star Wars trilogy was the brief mention of something called "The Clone Wars" -- in the first film, those three words alone are enough to change Luke's perception of Obi-Wan Kenobi from "cave-dwelling old creep" to "badass space warrior." The thing is, in those early movies they never actually told us what exactly the Clone Wars was, which somehow makes it sound even more epic: For over two decades, literally the only thing fans knew about it was that it involved clones and warring.


    Plus more than two Jedi at a time, which automatically made it awesome.

    Of all the wild theories fans came up with during those cold, lonely Star Wars-less decades, there's one that stands out ...

    The Awesome Fan Theory:

    The "clones" were artificially grown Jedi, and Obi-Wan was one of them -- thus the clone designation "OB-1."

    Picture this: Millions of cloned Jedi Knights battling across planets and spaceships in a badass whirlwind of laser-force space death. A "star war," if you will. It makes sense: If you had to clone someone to create an army of warriors, a powerful Jedi would be the most logical choice.


    And the most illogical would be these dudes.

    According to this theory, the name Obi-Wan Kenobi is actually a transliteration of his serial number: OB-1, first in a line of star-warring space wizards. In the first movie, Obi-Wan uses the alias "Ben Kenobi," supposedly because he's hiding from the Empire, but that doesn't really make sense: Why would you keep the same last name if you didn't want to be found? This would explain where the alias came from: It was the name of the original Jedi he was cloned from (and therefore his "father").

    Oh, and it closes a gigantic plot hole in the prequels: The reason the old man Obi-Wan doesn't seem to remember any of the events of the prequels (such as not remembering having ever seen the droids before, or that Darth Vader built Threepio) is that the old man is just a clone. Also, imagine the awesomeness of the surprise ending they could have included in Episode II, in which the future Darth Vader starts his march toward evil by pushing the original Obi-Wan Kenobi off of one of those high walkways they apparently design into every spaceship.


    "Sure, it's a major security risk, but they just look so cool."

    What We Got Instead:

    In Episode II: Attack of the Clones, we find out that the Clone Wars was actually a war between some ? robots and ... an army of Boba Fetts. The Jedi are sort of standing in between, and then they're all killed by the Boba Fetts. Yeah.


    Oh yeah. These guys are way cooler than an endless apocalyptic horde of Jedi.

    As for Obi-Wan, he forgot all about R2-D2 and C-3PO after spending three whole movies with them because ... you know what, at this point we don't even care.



  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited August 2012
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    #1.Chewbacca and R2-D2 Are Secret Rebel Agents
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    When George Lucas introduced his magnum opus, Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, he tried to shoehorn in perhaps every damn character from the original series, the obese Rancor keeper from Return of the Jedi notwithstanding.


    Third Year Consecutive Tatooine Spring Break Wet T-Shirt Contest Champion.

    By plopping beloved characters as R2-D2 into the thick of previous events, many fans realized that Lucas had created Chrysler-sized plot holes. For example, R2-D2 and C-3PO basically witnessed Anakin's transformation into Darth Vader, but this fact is never mentioned in the original trilogy. Neither is the fact that Yoda and Chewbacca knew each other (seen fighting alongside one another in Episode III), making it a spectacular coincidence that Luke and Obi-Wan just happened to run into him when looking for a ride off Tatooine in Episode IV.

    The Theory:

    Lucas tried to cover the "why in Episode IV does C-3PO seem ignorant of everything he saw in the prequels" plot hole by having Bail Organa wipe his memory. But one incredibly detailed theory suggests that someone in the Star Wars universe realized that rebooting the droids was a godawful idea. After all, R2-D2 and C-3PO had just witnessed the rise of the Galactic Empire firsthand. Why the hell would the Rebels delete this precious intel?



    According to this theory, R2-D2 must have convinced Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi to spare him a memory wipe, whereas C-3PO was not so lucky. During the 20 or so years between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope, the two robots travel undercover; Threepio suspects that he and R2 are affiliated with the Rebels, but unbeknownst to the golden dandypants, R2 has been in communication with the Rebel Alliance the whole time.


    He also never tells Threepio that he's really a tiny man in a can.

    In RoTS, Chewie is good friends with Yoda and a high-ranking warrior during the defense of Kashyyyk. Why would a second-in-command of the Wookiee army suddenly slum it with Han Solo, a smuggling lowlife? Because Yoda--who's holed up on his toilet planet--needed Chewie to be his eyes and ears.



    The theory further states that Chewbacca convinces Han to work with Jabba the Hutt; this way Chewie can frequently visit Tatooine and keep tabs on Luke Skywalker. We further presume Chewie's other unofficial title was "? Cop," and he shoved Han into the mix whenever Luke and Leia capered off to play "Hide The Womp Rat."



    Why does it make the film better?

    The theory bestows the series' sidekicks with a much greater narrative dignity. It also makes Chewbacca's cameo in Revenge of the Sith something more than a totally crass reason to introduce the "Kashyyyk Resistance Fighter Chewbacca" action figure.



  • ocelot
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    #5.Zion Is Part Of The Matrix
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    Do you remember The Matrix: Revolutions? No? It was, like, the final film in the trilogy? Still no? Hey, we haven't watched it since 2003 either. Wait, you don't even remember it coming out? Dear reader, we think you might have a case of PTSD: Post-Trilogy Stress Disorder. Don't worry; you're not alone in your suffering--it affects Star Wars fans too.

    Would it reaffirm your faith in the Wachowski brothers, dear Matrix fan, if we told you the mindfuck from the first movie was just one mindfuck inside one huge matryoshka doll of mindfucks?


    Like this.

    The Theory:

    In Revolutions, Neo's powers from the Matrix have seemingly transferred into the material world. For instance, he can "see" (despite having charbroiled his eyeballs) and also manifests the power to blow up machines with his mind. This has been a pet peeve with fans who note that this makes absolutely zero sense in the context of the Matrix universe.

    But one theory posits that Neo's sudden, convenient-to-the-plot superpowers were possible since he never left the Matrix at all.

    These fans figure "Zion" and the whole world Morpheus and the other "free" humans lived in was a separate Matrix unto itself, a second layer of the computer program to let some people think they had escaped. Thus it makes perfect sense that Neo would have magical powers in what he thought was the "physical" world.



    Why does it make the film better?

    The theory keeps the sci-fi film sci-fi and not heavy-handed messianic fantasy. Neo's new powers are never explained in Revolutions (hand-waved away by The Oracle in one sentence) and therefore seem like a cheap cop-out tacked on simply to end the damn movie. This explanation also prevents the now-tarnished Wachowskis from looking like a bunch of lazy jack-offs who are still cruising on the first Matrix film.


    "From the team who brought you Speed Racer and Ninja Assassin!"

    The theory gives a somewhat credible explanation instead of a deus ex machina plot device. Interestingly enough, deus ex machina literally means "? from the machine." Double whoa, brah.



  • ocelot
    ocelot Members Posts: 10,019 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    papa1.jpg
    The Smurfs Were Communists!
    By Dave Morgan

    Okay, I know it sounds crazy. I didn't believe it myself at first. Then I started thinking about it, and it starts getting scary.

    First of all, you must put aside all the media-programmed, propaganda-driven thoughts or irrational fears you might already have about communists. Forget all that big bad Russian stuff that the 80's taught us, that doesn't exist anymore. Think of communism as just a way of life, a social order, an economic standpoint, a lifestyle choice. Take all the visions of sickles and hammers and tanks out of your head for awhile, and then you will be able to see it clearly.

    First of all, the Smurfs shared everything. The food in the Smurf village was stored away in those mushrooms the minute it was harvested and then equally distributed to all the Smurfs throughout the year. No one "farmer Smurf" sold his crop to a "consumer Smurf," or saw his labor exploited by another. It was understood that the crop was for the entire Smurf population, not for the sale or profit of one Smurf alone.

    Then there were those jobs each Smurf held. There was Handy Smurf, and Painter Smurf, and Brainy Smurf, etc... Each Smurf had his own specific job and was not allowed to try his hand at any other Smurf's assigned task. There actually was an episode where each Smurf tried to do another one's job, and failed. The moral of the story was apparently "Stick to what you do Best" or to put it another way, stick to what the society has chosen for you, or maybe just "You'll get what you get and like it!" Handy Smurf was always building. Painter Smurf was always painting. Everyone accepted what they were and didn't ask questions.

    Some other evidence I've gathered may strain the limits of credibility. Decide for yourself: Papa Smurf wore a red cap. All the Smurfs were the same color and sang the same song everywhere they went - stressing their Smurfy unity. Didn't you catch yourself singing that song as a kid? I know you did. Everyone did. Everyone.

    The most compelling evidence that the Smurfs were communists comes from their relationship to the arch-villian Gargamel. If you remember, the only thing that Gargamel wanted the Smurfs for was for his own profit. In the first four or five seasons, Gargamel's master plan was to catch the Smurfs, boil them, and turn them into gold. For some reason, in the later years when the show was dying, they started saying that he wanted to eat the poor blue creatures, but for the most part he wanted to turn them into gold. He didn't care about the Smurfs themselves, their culture, or their well-being. All he cared about was getting gold. His only interest in how to get rich, and nothing, nothing would get in his way.

    Gargamel was a capitalist.

    The evil antagonist of the Smurfs was the ultimate capitalist, terrorizing the peaceful good little communist Smurf community. It all starts to fit together doesn't it?

    It makes you wonder why somebody didn't speak up about this before, especially during the 80's with Reagan in the Whitehouse

    I guess nobody thought it worth their time.
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