more randomicity

supaman4321

I’m coming in, give you something you can feel//
build on the design till you decline to comment on skills//
By me, my crew, well, excuse, no crew//
Just brothers, and to them, salaam walaikum//
Hate them or me, and I hope that the piece is with you//
Cuz these streets will miss, well not really//
How can I say that when ya backs still on the curb I mean that’s silly//
I mean that silly, don’t let a toes step outta that box//
Or any lines drawn, give you a sketch, put it beside the box//
That’s storage for the body, or at least what’s left so close it//
Pastor sayin a verse bout the devil on Earth, might I be why he chose it?//
Naw, but my hunger unleash the demon from the belly of the beast//
These ? ? getting ran through they got belly’s full of yeast//
Cervixes is jelly, I’m armed and ready to the teeth//
The big fish, you tadpoles would barely fill a creek//
babblin bout nonsense, substance content would barely fill a sheet//
makin songs all day but ? barely want a leak//
so i don't give peeks, i plant the piece at ya widow's peak//
and let everybody see, free of charge no p-p-v//
just world war 3, this is lyrical warfare arm your squads//
go head say "hail mary's" and "our father's" call your gods//
in my mind i recite surah fatiha, give me and my bullets a straight path//
the flame i spit send you to more but this ain't a light flash//


constructive criticism is again welcomed any pointers are appreciated

Tha Killa

Please read the Rules of RTM Thread. Rules #3 and #4 are there for a reason.

supaman4321

a thousand apologies....

http://community.allhiphop.com/showthread.php?47467-Untitled-%28Random-Bars%29

http://community.allhiphop.com/showthread.php?29473-Love-Verse

supaman4321

why does my post need to be approved?

Yaka

killed it bro

supaman4321

What's the point of this two feed back rule when you don't get feedback regardless? I got more input from other people on the thread that i DIDN'T drop any links to feedback on, this board is dead

Tha Killa

supaman4321 wrote: »

What's the point of this two feed back rule when you don't get feedback regardless? I got more input from other people on the thread that i DIDN'T drop any links to feedback on, this board is dead

Calm down homie. I'll give you feed later tonight when I have time. I been meaning to give the last couple people who dropped some feed for a min now. I got you man.

Tha Killa

supaman4321 wrote: »

I’m coming in, give you something you can feel//
build on the design till you decline to comment on skills//
By me, my crew, well, excuse, no crew//
Just brothers, and to them, salaam walaikum//

I like your use of a relaxed and casual intro but that only works if the follow up is nothing short of exceptional. The bolded just read like a cheap imitation of a Jungle Brothers song from way back. I know you can pay homage to that style of delivery without biting it to the point that it comes of like a cheap knockoff. As an MC, my brain is wired to rhyme to the point of obsession, and while I like your subtle use of a multi in the opening bar, the fact you didn't continue the flow/scheme on the last 2 lines is disappointing, not to mention the fact the "Salaam Walaikum" part feels so out of order here.

Hate them or me, and I hope that the piece is with you//
Cuz these streets will miss, well not really//
How can I say that when ya backs still on the curb I mean that’s silly//
I mean that silly, don’t let a toes step outta that box//

The bolded is a BIIIIIIG No-No when writing/recording/performing/freestyling a verse. NEVER use the same word or phrase in such quick succession. It just dilutes the overall cohesiveness of the verse and makes it come off as too repetitive. This section was pretty underwhelming imo. Not only are you not talking about anything, your phrasing is kinda confusing and you failed to connect the last 4 bars to this one....which is essential in any good verse.

Or any lines drawn, give you a sketch, put it beside the box//
That’s storage for the body, or at least what’s left so close it//
Pastor sayin a verse bout the devil on Earth, might I be why he chose it?//

The 1st couple of lines of this stanza are forgettable, but the Pastor line is an excellent set-up for what follows. My only beef is that there are too many syllables in that line. It doesn't really matchup well with the lines before AND after it in terms of flow. Try cutting out the "bout the Devil on Earth" part because it throws off the flow of this section completely. Or at least try to cut out all the unnecessary words/syllables without changing the meaning or effectiveness of the line

Naw, but my hunger unleash the demon from the belly of the beast//
These ? ? getting ran through they got belly’s full of yeast//
Cervixes is jelly, I’m armed and ready to the teeth//
The big fish, you tadpoles would barely fill a creek//
babblin bout nonsense, substance content would barely fill a sheet//
makin songs all day but ? barely want a leak//

If I were to tell you to start this whole verse over again, I'd have you rewrite it around THIS section. This ? was pretty dope. Your multis are outstanding in this stanza and the "belly of the beast"and "bellyful of yeast" parts aren't as repetitive as they'd usually be because you were able to use great wordplay to mask the fact that you broke a cardinal rule. That "? /? /yeast" wordplay/metaphor was clearly the best part of this keystyle. I also like the way you followed that up with the lil' bit of braggadocio at the end. This is one of the few times I can't talk ? about a part of a verse. Soak it in 'cause that almost never happens.

so i don't give peeks, i plant the piece at ya widow's peak//
and let everybody see, free of charge no p-p-v//
just world war 3, this is lyrical warfare arm your squads//
go head say "hail mary's" and "our father's" call your gods//
in my mind i recite surah fatiha, give me and my bullets a straight path//
the flame i spit send you to more but this ain't a light flash//

The bolded is dope because it's a great set-up for a great concluding line.....especially with the part about reciting scripture from the Holy Qur'an. The only problem is that you finished the verse off really meekly and it didn't really have ? to do with the line before it. It woulda been epic if you actually quoted a small part of a verse in Arabic (so it'll go with the Surah Fatiha line) AND still have it rhyme with the "straight path" part of the previous line. It only makes sense.

constructive criticism is again welcomed any pointers are appreciated

After that incredible middle section you went from a weak start to an even weaker finish. I'd like to see more of your material be as consistent as that middle section 'cause it's pretty obvious that you have some serious skills when you take your time and actually construct a verse instead of just writing it without putting much thought into it. I look forward to your next drop man. Stick around and keep droppin' homie. I'll see and critique your stuff eventually. The more people you give feedback to, the more people there are who would be willing to return the favor.....just sayin'.

djparamnesia

its good, a few weak lines that didnt flow well, and its a bit tireing all of the written verses being about how hard you are and will destroy who your speakin to, it was good though.

Legend24

supaman4321 wrote: »

I’m coming in, give you something you can feel//
build on the design till you decline to comment on skills//
By me, my crew, well, excuse, no crew//
Just brothers, and to them, salaam walaikum//
Hate them or me, and I hope that the piece is with you//
Cuz these streets will miss, well not really//
How can I say that when ya backs still on the curb I mean that’s silly//
I mean that silly, don’t let a toes step outta that box//
Or any lines drawn, give you a sketch, put it beside the box//
That’s storage for the body, or at least what’s left so close it//
Pastor sayin a verse bout the devil on Earth, might I be why he chose it?//
Naw, but my hunger unleash the demon from the belly of the beast//
These ? ? getting ran through they got belly’s full of yeast//
Cervixes is jelly, I’m armed and ready to the teeth//
The big fish, you tadpoles would barely fill a creek//
babblin bout nonsense, substance content would barely fill a sheet//
makin songs all day but ? barely want a leak//
so i don't give peeks, i plant the piece at ya widow's peak//
and let everybody see, free of charge no p-p-v//
just world war 3, this is lyrical warfare arm your squads//
go head say "hail mary's" and "our father's" call your gods//
in my mind i recite surah fatiha, give me and my bullets a straight path//
the flame i spit send you to more but this ain't a light flash//


constructive criticism is again welcomed any pointers are appreciated

I liked your intro but as mentioned earlier, the follow-up didn't do it justice. Then I'm reading a bit of filler and weaker rhyming when you start rhyming a word with the same word. The underlined portion was the weakest part of the piece, if you had left that out, I would consider it a solid drop. The conclusion wasn't all that strong either but overall, the second half of the piece is good stuff.

beatsbyjtb

Good stuff man. Flow is nice.