Op-Ed: Can't Afford To Get Married? Just Fake Being Engaged!

Young_Chitlin
Young_Chitlin Members Posts: 23,852 ✭✭✭✭✭
By: ERIN GLORIA RYAN

Modern conundrum: thanks to the wedding-industrial complex transforming what should be a nice little celebration of love into a hilariously expensive ? , a lot of couples find themselves in an odd position, relationship-wise: they've ruled out marriage, but they also are pretty sure they're never going to break up. Enter the sham engagement, the hot new trend among people who aren't really planning on walking down the aisle but are tired of having their relationships viewed as illegitimate.

The wink-wink "engagement" trend is especially prevalent among low income couples, explains Hanna Rosin over at Slate, and it's growing in popularity for a variety of reasons. One of the main culprits? THE ROM COM.

Everyone watches the same movies, so everyone has inherited the idea that marriage should be really special, maybe lavish, definitely worth waiting for, as Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas argue in Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. But since many can’t afford that fancy wedding and don’t want to go “downtown”—a term women in the book use to describe a marriage on the cheap—they just stay engaged.

I can partially blame witnessing several of my friends be slowly driven insane picking out centerpieces for my reticence to plan my own wedding; I was engaged for almost a year and was so ? -scared of the process and expense (both fiscal and mental) that I didn't so much as call a reception hall for a quote. Dress, flowers, venues, officiants, receptions, open bar, invitations, save the dates, food — even planning a low-key picnic tables n' grilled corn type affair seemed like too much. And my now-ex and I were "middle income."

But not every "engaged" couple is putting off getting married because they're letting the perfect white dress dream wedding be the enemy of the good park gazebo wedding; some people never entertain the idea of getting married and use the term "fiancé(e)" to denote a long-term life partner type relationship that has a little more of a legitimate ring to it than "boyfriend" or "my kid's dad" or "the guy I have been monogamously boinking for many moons." Being "engaged" used to mean "in a relationship with a person you concretely intend to marry;" now it just means "in a relationship that the couple wishes would be taken seriously."

Rosin notes that because of the expansion of what "engaged" means, other relationship categories are shrinking. She writes, "In the ’60s, being a girlfriend was an official status, like getting promoted to two-star general." But perhaps the issue isn't a demotion of "girlfriend," but limitations of language in describing the strange, constantly evolving organisms of human relationships. We don't have a word for "the guy I regularly sleep with and think very highly of," or "the guy I have agreed to be monogamous with but who is, like, months away from meeting my parents" or "the guy I'm infatuated with but who I'm not sure about." "Dating" could mean anything from chaste malt sharing to weekend sex vacations to bed & breakfasts and nightly text marathons. "Boyfriend" can mean anything from "the only guy I'm sleeping with" to "guy I live with" to "the guy I've grown to hate over years of togetherness but who I stick around because of inertia." "Partnered" is a good word, sure, but it's a little too liberal arts professor for most.

So, what's the best way to describe a romantic partner with whom you intend to remain forever? For now, fiancé(e) is going to have to do.

Comments

  • Kat
    Kat Members Posts: 50,667 ✭✭✭✭✭
    MFn message.

    I can see why people do it though...people act ? if you're a certain age and still saying my gf or my bf.

    ? it..live your life.
  • Bussy_Getta
    Bussy_Getta Members Posts: 37,679 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Lol @ being ashamed to go downtown tho
  • THOT PILGRIM
    THOT PILGRIM Members Posts: 2,262 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Went downtown. Best 100 bucks I ever spent.

    Not getting married because you cant afford a bridezilla esque shindig is ? stupid and quite shallow tbh.
  • taeboo
    taeboo Members Posts: 4,669 ✭✭✭✭✭
    People worry about titles too much. Why enter a fake engagement knowing you and your so have no desire to get married? If just being together is enough for you two, then ? what others think.
  • nex gin
    nex gin Members Posts: 10,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    **Lurks and waits for lies**
  • mryounggun
    mryounggun Members Posts: 13,451 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Women worry too much about what people around them think and not enough about how they actually feel about ? when it comes to relationships.
  • Kat
    Kat Members Posts: 50,667 ✭✭✭✭✭
    mryounggun wrote: »
    Women worry too much about what people around them think and not enough about how they actually feel about ? when it comes to relationships.

    It's to be expected with the societal pressure placed upon you should you choose NOT to legally wed.
  • caddo man
    caddo man Members Posts: 22,476 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Keep living with that trifling ass ? without the title and you will watching his momma walk in and take everything but that raggedy ass couch you made her sleep on when she came over.

    Tax Benefits

    Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
    Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

    Estate Planning Benefits

    Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
    Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
    Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
    Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf.

    Government Benefits

    Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
    Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
    Receiving public assistance benefits.

    Employment Benefits

    Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
    Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
    Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
    Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies.

    Medical Benefits

    Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
    Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

    Death Benefits

    Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
    Making burial or other final arrangements.

    Family Benefits

    Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
    Applying for joint foster care rights.
    Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
    Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

    Housing Benefits

    Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
    Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

    Consumer Benefits

    Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
    Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
    Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

    Other Legal Benefits and Protections

    Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
    Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
    Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
    Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
    Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
    Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.
  • caddo man
    caddo man Members Posts: 22,476 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited October 2013
    Why you think these same sex marriages are so coveted? There are benefits to this ? . Being stubborn gon have you struggling to move to a common law state at 72
  • taeboo
    taeboo Members Posts: 4,669 ✭✭✭✭✭
    mryounggun wrote: »
    Women worry too much about what people around them think and not enough about how they actually feel about ? when it comes to relationships.

    Women aren't the only ones with this problem. There are lots of men out there scared to make a commitment based on what others have told them about relationships.

  • Kat
    Kat Members Posts: 50,667 ✭✭✭✭✭
    *lives in a common law state*
  • caddo man
    caddo man Members Posts: 22,476 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Georgia: Only for common-law marriages formed before January 1, 1997 (1996 Georgia Act 1021).
    Idaho: Only for common-law marriages formed before January 1, 1996 (Idaho Code § 32-201).
    Kansas: law prohibits recognition of common law marriage if either party is under 18 years of age. (2002 Kan. Sess. Laws, SB 486, §23-101).
    New Hampshire: Common law marriages effective only at death. (N.H. Rev. Stat. Ann § 457:39).
    Ohio: Only for common-law marriages formed before October 10, 1991 (Lyons v. Lyons 621 N.E. 2d 718 (Ohio App. 1993)).
    Oklahoma: Only for common-law marriage formed before November 1, 1998. (1998 Okla. SB 1076).
    Pennsylvania: law was amended to read "No common-law marriage contracted after January 1, 2005 shall be valid." (Pennsylvania Statues, Section 1103)
    Texas: calls it an "informal marriage," rather than a common-law marriage. Under § 2.401 of the Texas Family Code, an informal marriage can be established either by declaration (registering at the county courthouse without having a ceremony), or by meeting a three-prong test showing evidence of (1) an agreement to be married; (2) cohabitation in Texas; and (3) representation to others that the parties are married. A 1995 update adds an evidentiary presumption that there was no marriage if no suit for proof of marriage is filed within two years of the date the parties separated and ceased living together.
    Utah: Administrative order establishes that it arises out of a contract between two consenting parties who: (a) are capable of giving consent; (b) are legally capable of entering a solemnized marriage; (c) have cohabited; (d) mutually assume marital rights, duties, and obligations; and (e) who hold themselves out as and have acquired a uniform and general reputation as husband and wife. The determination or establishment of such a marriage must occur during the relationship or within one year following the termination of that relationship.
  • Kat
    Kat Members Posts: 50,667 ✭✭✭✭✭
  • MARIO_DRO
    MARIO_DRO Members Posts: 14,425 ✭✭✭✭✭
    caddo man wrote: »
    Keep living with that trifling ass ? without the title and you will watching his momma walk in and take everything but that raggedy ass couch you made her sleep on when she came over.

    Tax Benefits

    Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
    Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

    Estate Planning Benefits

    Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
    Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
    Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
    Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf.

    Government Benefits

    Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
    Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
    Receiving public assistance benefits.

    Employment Benefits

    Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
    Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
    Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
    Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies.

    Medical Benefits

    Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
    Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

    Death Benefits

    Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
    Making burial or other final arrangements.

    Family Benefits

    Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
    Applying for joint foster care rights.
    Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
    Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

    Housing Benefits

    Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
    Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

    Consumer Benefits

    Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
    Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
    Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

    Other Legal Benefits and Protections

    Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
    Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
    Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
    Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
    Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
    Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

    THEY DONT HEAR YOU BRO!..
  • MARIO_DRO
    MARIO_DRO Members Posts: 14,425 ✭✭✭✭✭
    THAT ? IS CRAZY TO ME....

    IT LIKE BEING A TEMP AT A COMPANY FOR 20 PLUS YEARS.....

    ONCE THAT S/O DIES, YOU AINT GETTIN ? !, ITS GOING TO THEIR KIDS/PARENTS
  • blackrain
    blackrain Members, Moderators Posts: 27,269 Regulator
    Kat wrote: »
    MFn message.

    I can see why people do it though...people act ? if you're a certain age and still saying my gf or my bf.

    ? it..live your life.

    Probably because alot of people, as it's been seen posted here several times, assume wrongly that if you're not married somehow you have an issue with commitment and will start making a bunch of judgements about your relationship
  • mryounggun
    mryounggun Members Posts: 13,451 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Kat wrote: »
    mryounggun wrote: »
    Women worry too much about what people around them think and not enough about how they actually feel about ? when it comes to relationships.

    It's to be expected with the societal pressure placed upon you should you choose NOT to legally wed.

    Is it 'to be expected' though? Like I know what you mean. But as an adult, I can't really say I expect people to do silly things to to make other people not view them a certain way. I know it happens and I'm never shocked when it does. But to me that's not something that should just be like 'Oh, well of course. 'Sociery' pressures them towards that.'.
  • mryounggun
    mryounggun Members Posts: 13,451 ✭✭✭✭✭
    taeboo wrote: »
    mryounggun wrote: »
    Women worry too much about what people around them think and not enough about how they actually feel about ? when it comes to relationships.

    Women aren't the only ones with this problem. There are lots of men out there scared to make a commitment based on what others have told them about relationships.

    Agreed 100%. But that ain't what the article is about. It's about ppl who fake engagements because they don't want people to look down on them for NOT being married and are too proud to go 'downtown'. I think we can agree that this phenomenon using that reasoning almost always happens among females.

    But don't worry. I think my track record shows that when ? do the stupid ? you mentioned, I call it like I see it as well. It's just as idiotic.
  • haute
    haute Members Posts: 11,581 ✭✭✭✭✭
    *can afford a wedding*

    *still going downtown*

    this is why poor ? stay poor