Nine Lives

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Legend24
Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
edited October 2010 in Roc Tha Mic
Living a lavish lifestyle is my inspiration
But controlling the path I follow requires concentration
? stumbling and crooked walks in the un-illumined skies
Might as well be seeing this world with unopened eyes
Darkness shall rise until light peaks through my blinds
No longer is my vision hindered, my eyes opened wide
Colour for the first time, a newborn in a world unknown
Censorship ripe in the beginning, evil remains un-shown
As the trail unwinds the truth reveals itself as blinding
Too much light makes 'em wish he could go back to hiding
No use fighting, the universe lets the cycle commence
As psychos repent yet they still lack common sense
No parents growing up, no sense of streets
No dollars to buy a meal, no cents to eat
I clench my piece as I walk by, tension seeps
Seams break as I approach, I sense release
? then squeeze and then I dispose with ease
Silence leaves as sirens scream
Turn and run as I spy police
I die in peace before I subside my knees
This world made me, why should I pay these fees
Why should I pay the price for a tainted life?
Broken picture, give me the brush so I can paint it right
Shine the light here, expose the flaws
Close the closet, my skeletons hide in drawers
Skeletons of all my past lives, I never got it perfect
Tried to be ? 's angel but always end up as the devil's serpent.

Throw some feedback on this ? ...

Links:
http://community.allhiphop.com/showthread.php?55368-Satan-s-Death-Angels
http://community.allhiphop.com/showthread.php?52991-It-Goes-without-SAYING!!-MURDER-M-Is-BIZZACK!-DEFCON-3
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Comments

  • Aquafinafloe
    Aquafinafloe Banned Users Posts: 2,871
    edited August 2010
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    u have some real good lyics deep but not all out too deep with a bunch of metaphores like most rappers try to do these days...i didnt get lost or confused at onces..i actualy was able to visualize a young man in the streets with a look of "why" on his face WHILE reading this...a real smooth poetic floe is always nice and a real good calm down from all the crazy hipt hopity stuff...keep up the good work ;)
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  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited August 2010
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    Aquafinafloe wrote: »
    u have some real good lyics deep but not all out too deep with a bunch of metaphores like most rappers try to do these days...i didnt get lost or confused at onces..i actualy was able to visualize a young man in the streets with a look of "why" on his face WHILE reading this...a real smooth poetic floe is always nice and a real good calm down from all the crazy hipt hopity stuff...keep up the good work ;)

    Thanks for the feedback. That's generally what I aim for in my pieces... I like to be a bit ambiguous at times but not too over the top that people have no idea what I'm trying to say.
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  • Aquafinafloe
    Aquafinafloe Banned Users Posts: 2,871
    edited August 2010
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    no prob! now u can give me some feedback on my track i have in this topic im under the audio part u should be able to find it it says my first mix...
    Legend24 wrote: »
    Thanks for the feedback. That's generally what I aim for in my pieces... I like to be a bit ambiguous at times but not too over the top that people have no idea what I'm trying to say.
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  • Sharoyceantwan
    Sharoyceantwan Members Posts: 48
    edited August 2010
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    ? then squeeze and then I dispose with ease
    Silence leaves as sirens scream

    this needs to be recorded pronto!
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  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited August 2010
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    Thanks for the feedback guys. Glad this piece didn't get slept on too hard.

    If I can get to my mic this weekend then I'll record it over a generic beat or something so you can hear what it sounds like.
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  • amanante
    amanante Members Posts: 14 ✭
    edited September 2010
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    Glad to see someone writing like this. Beautiful.

    "Skeletons of all my past lives, I never got it perfect
    Tried to be ? 's angel but always end up as the devil's serpent."

    this line i liked most
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  • TrueGodHS
    TrueGodHS Members Posts: 2,670 ✭✭✭✭
    edited September 2010
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    I ? with that my dude... You got some good lyrics bruh, the last 6 lines for me was the best part
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  • Deeluxe
    Deeluxe Members Posts: 12
    edited September 2010
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    Yo new to the forums, checking out what other people are up to. This is nice though i find it hard to know what the cadence is, but thats the difference between a writer and a reader. you wrote how you would spit it, i would love to hear it on wax. Did you write to a beat or is this just from your head?
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  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited September 2010
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    Deeluxe wrote: »
    Yo new to the forums, checking out what other people are up to. This is nice though i find it hard to know what the cadence is, but thats the difference between a writer and a reader. you wrote how you would spit it, i would love to hear it on wax. Did you write to a beat or is this just from your head?

    I did write it to a beat.

    It's not the easiest flow to pick up just by reading but it works in my head, although I would tweak it a bit if I were to record it.
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  • mkp123
    mkp123 Members Posts: 4
    edited September 2010
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    I think Legend24 has got all the qualities to be a great poet. Just look at the lyrics. They are simply awesome. It reminds me that I have got to be really careful in my life if I want to survive. The world is full of pitfalls and temptations. As human beings we should stay away from these temptations if we are to succeed in life. ? has given us the power to do that. I would advice Legend24 to dwell into serious writing. I am sure that he will succeed.
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  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited September 2010
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    mkp123 wrote: »
    I think Legend24 has got all the qualities to be a great poet. Just look at the lyrics. They are simply awesome. It reminds me that I have got to be really careful in my life if I want to survive. The world is full of pitfalls and temptations. As human beings we should stay away from these temptations if we are to succeed in life. ? has given us the power to do that. I would advice Legend24 to dwell into serious writing. I am sure that he will succeed.

    Thanks for the props.

    I don't try to make any money off it but I still take my music/writing very seriously.
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  • Gnominal
    Gnominal Members Posts: 7
    edited September 2010
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    I like this a lot, it's like aquafina said it's deep enough that it feels deep but not too deep that i don't know what you're trying to say, you walk the line perfectly. the flow is generally good, a couple places it feels a little awkward or forced... in particular the second line feels a little long and "required" feels weird, i would just say "takes concentration." last two lines i really really like what you're saying but last line seems a little long, i would just take out the always and it'd be good. but i didn't write this, i don't really know how it flows and whatnot, it's your ? do what you want, it's great as it is you know what you're doing. i could see this as a song

    edit: i really like this sequence a lot:
    No parents growing up, no sense of streets
    No dollars to buy a meal, no cents to eat
    I clench my piece as I walk by, tension seeps
    Seams break as I approach, I sense release
    ? then squeeze and then I dispose with ease
    Silence leaves as sirens scream
    Turn and run as I spy police
    I die in peace before I subside my knees

    rhyme scheme is sick there. before that though it's not as complex as i would like, usually just one syllable... but that's fine, you're telling a story i dig it
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  • OGMoneyFOE
    OGMoneyFOE Members Posts: 21
    edited October 2010
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    I see you brah. I like where U were tryin' to go with this. The flow was there and ur line "? stumbling and crooked walks in the un-illumined skies
    Might as well be seeing this world with unopened eyes" I can vibe. Keep it up.
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  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited October 2010
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    Thanks for the feedback. Haven't been around here much lately. I'ma be dropping some new stuff soon when I get a minute.
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