Meet with Death.

RuffDraft
RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
edited December 2011 in Waiting To Exhale
Arriving at the scene,
Placing my sights on a beautiful reem,
Torn, displaced, in the midst of a man’s dreams,
Hitting walls, to plates, she’s faint,
Until she breaks free, I see, the target.

Screaming, raging on her back,
Hitting her face into the glass,
Blood swims to her clothes,
As he tapes her face to pillows,
He begins to laugh,
She begins to ease,
The killer whale seems,
To be breaching her seams,
Pushing her against the mattress,
He begins to close the casket,
Reaching for his hatchet,
She waits with baited breath,
But my bait has arrived
And shall now meet with death.

Comments

  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited December 2011
    Forgot to say, comments welcome :)
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited December 2011
    This was an interesting read Draft, as always thanks for sharing.

    With this piece i wish you went further, the reading was intense, and you done great delivering the verbs too :) again thanks.

    Peace..
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    edited December 2011
    This was an interesting read Draft, as always thanks for sharing.

    With this piece i wish you went further, the reading was intense, and you done great delivering the verbs too :) again thanks.

    Peace..
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited December 2011
    tupacfan wrote: »
    This was an interesting read Draft, as always thanks for sharing.

    With this piece i wish you went further, the reading was intense, and you done great delivering the verbs too :) again thanks.

    Peace..

    It was a 30 minute piece, so I just went with what I had... was just a cool concept that I wanted to stick with...

    Did you get who was writing it in the first perspective???
  • stupot0607
    stupot0607 Members Posts: 1,914 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2011
    as Tupacfan said! INTENSE! Kinda scary actually...

    Good piece though, set the scene.... You not wantin to extend it?
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited December 2011
    stupot0607 wrote: »
    as Tupacfan said! INTENSE! Kinda scary actually...

    Good piece though, set the scene.... You not wantin to extend it?

    haha I wanted it to be intense and scary though, like a movie…

    I don't know if either of you have gathered who I am in this piece as the writer - the writer is a sniper, watching the predator attacking his victim. He's unable to shoot as you're not allowed to shoot the would-be ? /murderer until you're given your orders to do so…

    I was intrigued by what would be going through the sniper's mind when something like this occurs before them. To me, I would want to shoot straight away as I like to think that I really respect women and therefore would want to do something as quickly as possible in this particular circumstance...

    That said, when you're unable to do so and those scenes are unraveling before you, you must really want the predator to make his move… the fact that he finally does, when he reaches for his hatchet, allows the sniper to finally use this as his evidence/reason to shoot the predator… and he's really pleased to send the predator to his death (hence 'but my bait has arrived, and shall now meet with death.'

    Did that come across in the piece? And if not, after reading it again, does it make more sense? This is kind of why I don't want to build upon it, I don't want to give away too many clues, but there are three in total as to who the person is who is giving the descriptions…
  • Astronaughts
    Astronaughts Members Posts: 20
    and shall now meet with death! love it!
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    and shall now meet with death! love it!

    Thanks… glad you like it :tu
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    Thanks Genocide.
  • Tupacfan
    Tupacfan Members, Moderators Posts: 2,428 Regulator
    ahhh, had to revisit this jawn!! i miss ya'll man!
  • RuffDraft
    RuffDraft Members, Writer Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭✭
    edited March 2012
    tupacfan wrote: »
    ahhh, had to revisit this jawn!! i miss ya'll man!

    How are you TupacFan? Great to see you posting :tu

    This is a response to the poem by someone I know:

    ff80cad932a42f78448edf05de5f7e98.jpg

    Thought it was cool of them to do this without telling me.