Untitled (Random Bars)

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konflickdineromob
konflickdineromob Members Posts: 17
edited July 2010 in Roc Tha Mic
im a Heavy hitter in the game like an obese ball player
stopping me you need all yall prayers cuz im tht top slayer
ending your world like its Twenty Twelve
then pop ya girls ? like its a heavy shell
cuz thts my oath ima put tht braud in a comatose
and word 2 my my folks ima get my bread in loafs
like da son ov a mobster be tht Number one on the roster no room 4 yall to prosp
so dont sleep on me like im a couch i got more ? stashed than a pouch
sorta like tht reverend a run da house
all up on some tiddys like a blouse
have her on her knees like im ?
ya she a ? but im a dog
burn blunts da size of logs
and cut cops heads offlike they hogs
i run this no room 4 ya 2 jog
its just a waste thinking u could take me place
cuz u gram and ima key of base i ilve like lifes a race think u keep up to pace
wit this killa bees buzz got luvz 4 da b's and cuz cuz they know wut a g duz why we smoke till we buz
never been farid 2 say tht im here 2 stay leave tht fear 4 ? hustle 4 night and days cuz hey it pays
but font 4get 2 stash way cuz sometimes clouds be passin grey
never put ? b 4 da cash just crossin out wit a dash
then make ya moves fast as da flash
and bash these titans tht wanna clash
i stay itching 4 more like a rash
and ya ill ? over karmasutra ya weed man thtll get ya stone like madusa
chicks luv my ? they call it rooster
and i see u karma ima shoot yah,
root ov all evil i pursuit yah
my lifes been a ? wit a cold
but i still put on da corner next to da toll till every ov her sold
cuz im a true player i never fold
ia been locked but i never told
i feel young ? but my mind feels ? old
makin geniuses look like dummys cuz i got ? wrapped up like a mummy
mke every day rain money like there wasnt ever a day sunny
from night till morning i be brain storming only 4 da better let da change form in
wit standing da pain like young foreman

Comments

  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited July 2010
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    My biggest piece of advice... you should work on your vocabulary. The rhyming was very simple; a solid vocab will make your rhymes seem much more complex. Throw some multis in there and mix up the rhyme scheme with some internal rhymes (you did a bit of that so solid ? there). I know it's just random bars but I'll mention it anyways... your bars pretty much all say the same thing: "I'm the ? and you can't hold me" type lines. Keep up the hustle.
  • supaman4321
    supaman4321 Members Posts: 946
    edited July 2010
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    Not bad, seemed to use "like" a lot to form your similies so in the future try and be a little less blatant with it and try to work more subtle word play, you got bars but it seemed like you lacked direction why not try writing a verse on some random topic it might give you a little focus, good job though.
  • beatsbyjtb
    beatsbyjtb Members Posts: 11
    edited July 2010
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    Simple rhymes, but wasn't bad.
  • Sharoyceantwan
    Sharoyceantwan Members Posts: 48
    edited July 2010
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    im a Heavy hitter in the game like an obese ball player
    stopping me you need all yall prayers cuz im tht top slayer
    ending your world like its Twenty Twelve
    then pop ya girls ? like its a heavy shell
    cuz thts my oath ima put tht braud in a comatose
    and word 2 my my folks ima get my bread in loafs
    like da son ov a mobster be tht Number one on the roster no room 4 yall to prosp
    so dont sleep on me like im a couch i got more ? stashed than a pouch
    sorta like tht reverend a run da house
    all up on some tiddys like a blouse
    have her on her knees like im ?
    ya she a ? but im a dog
    burn blunts da size of logs
    and cut cops heads offlike they hogs
    i run this no room 4 ya 2 jog
    its just a waste thinking u could take me place
    cuz u gram and ima key of base i ilve like lifes a race think u keep up to pace
    wit this killa bees buzz got luvz 4 da b's and cuz cuz they know wut a g duz why we smoke till we buz
    never been farid 2 say tht im here 2 stay leave tht fear 4 ? hustle 4 night and days cuz hey it pays
    but font 4get 2 stash way cuz sometimes clouds be passin grey
    never put ? b 4 da cash just crossin out wit a dash
    then make ya moves fast as da flash
    and bash these titans tht wanna clash
    i stay itching 4 more like a rash
    and ya ill ? over karmasutra ya weed man thtll get ya stone like madusa
    chicks luv my ? they call it rooster
    and i see u karma ima shoot yah,
    root ov all evil i pursuit yah
    my lifes been a ? wit a cold
    but i still put on da corner next to da toll till every ov her sold
    cuz im a true player i never fold
    ia been locked but i never told
    i feel young ? but my mind feels ? old
    makin geniuses look like dummys cuz i got ? wrapped up like a mummy
    mke every day rain money like there wasnt ever a day sunny
    from night till morning i be brain storming only 4 da better let da change form in
    wit standing da pain like young foreman

    This is vintage Lil Wayne right here. You got some jewels in this

    wit this killa bees buzz got luvz 4 da b's and cuz cuz they know wut a g duz why we smoke till we buz
    never been farid 2 say tht im here 2 stay leave tht fear 4 ? hustle 4 night and days cuz hey it pays
    but font 4get 2 stash way cuz sometimes clouds be passin grey
    never put ? b 4 da cash just crossin out wit a dash
    then make ya moves fast as da flash
    and bash these titans tht wanna clash