Love Verse

amanante
amanante Members Posts: 14
edited July 2010 in Roc Tha Mic
I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
I was sick and crazy like psychos
Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
Small little child with bright dreams
huge list
of infinite hopes and wishes
waiting for the heroic cute prince
But despite this you met me...
Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
Screw it, even if I do it
everything comes back in cycles
I just can't lose you,
maybe it's amusing
But I just went mad and mindless
I would ? all of my romantic rivals
But you melted down my icicles
and I suppose even my icebergs
And you burned my soul
When you looked into my eyelids

Comments

  • Tha Killa
    Tha Killa Members Posts: 4,451 ✭✭✭
    edited June 2010
    Edit: Smh @ me for thinking this was posted today.


    This section
    But despite this you met me...
    Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
    Screw it, even if I do it
    everything comes back in cycles
    I just can't lose you,
    maybe it's amusing

    And this one
    But you melted down my icicles
    and I suppose even my icebergs
    And you burned my soul
    When you looked into my eyelids

    both stood out the most to me. That Iceburg Slim reference was pretty sneakily written and I think if you worded it a bit different it would be one of the hottest lines I've seen on this forum as of late. I like this piece and I'd like to see more from you. I know you wrote this 2 months ago so I'd imagine you've grown a lot as a writer since then.
  • Legend24
    Legend24 Members Posts: 689 ✭✭
    edited July 2010
    amanante wrote: »
    I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
    I was sick and crazy like psychos
    Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
    Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
    Small little child with bright dreams
    huge list
    of infinite hopes and wishes
    waiting for the heroic cute prince
    But despite this you met me...
    Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
    Screw it, even if I do it
    everything comes back in cycles
    I just can't lose you,
    maybe it's amusing
    But I just went mad and mindless
    I would ? all of my romantic rivals
    But you melted down my icicles
    and I suppose even my icebergs
    And you burned my soul
    When you looked into my eyelids

    I like this one... solid subject matter and execution. I got a lot of imagery from it. Simple rhyming throughout most of it but it flowed well and made sense. Thought it was a bit on the short side, I'd like to see if you can keep up the same skill level over a full 32-48 bars. Keep up the good ? .
  • supaman4321
    supaman4321 Members Posts: 946
    edited July 2010
    amanante wrote: »
    I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
    I was sick and crazy like psychos
    Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
    Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
    Small little child with bright dreams
    huge list
    of infinite hopes and wishes
    waiting for the heroic cute prince
    But despite this you met me...
    Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
    Screw it, even if I do it
    everything comes back in cycles
    I just can't lose you,
    maybe it's amusing
    But I just went mad and mindless
    I would ? all of my romantic rivals
    But you melted down my icicles
    and I suppose even my icebergs
    And you burned my soul
    When you looked into my eyelids

    It flowed really well but the ending seemed....i dunno rushed i guess I dunno, a lot of good imagery though. I don't mind it being short just feels unfinished did you have an instrumental in mind that you wrote this to?
  • beatsbyjtb
    beatsbyjtb Members Posts: 11
    edited July 2010
    Dope. Though it seems like that wasn't the ending, it should keep going.
  • Sharoyceantwan
    Sharoyceantwan Members Posts: 48
    edited July 2010
    amanante wrote: »
    I must admit I was a bit lazy and sightless
    I was sick and crazy like psychos
    Doing my monkey biznes like I liked this
    Behind this Mona Lisa smile I find this
    Small little child with bright dreams
    huge list
    of infinite hopes and wishes
    waiting for the heroic cute prince
    But despite this you met me...
    Stupid cupids, if I could only battle and fight this
    Screw it, even if I do it
    everything comes back in cycles
    I just can't lose you,
    maybe it's amusing
    But I just went mad and mindless
    I would ? all of my romantic rivals

    But you melted down my icicles
    and I suppose even my icebergs
    And you burned my soul
    When you looked into my eyelids

    Deep ish within these lines!
    5 out of 5!
    Sounds like it might fit Chris Brown's Dueces
  • JefftheProducer
    JefftheProducer Members Posts: 23
    edited July 2010
    i had a good vision reading this verse